


I won't say (I'm in love)

by outlaw_queened



Category: Once Upon a Time RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-23
Updated: 2015-10-23
Packaged: 2018-04-27 16:33:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5055865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/outlaw_queened/pseuds/outlaw_queened
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jen is laughing and she'd tell a thousand useless stories if it meant that Jen would laugh like this again.</p><p>  <i>No. No, no, no. </i></p><p>(Or: the moment Lana falls in love.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	I won't say (I'm in love)

**Author's Note:**

> Um. Anyway, here's this.

The moment Lana falls in love with Jen is during Season Five, actually.

 

It's been a while since there's been anything nearing tension between them, beyond the typical professional competition. Lana is happily married and sometimes it's great and sometimes it's shitty and sometimes Jen falls asleep on set and her nose does a cute little thing when she wakes up and Lana has to watch because it's precious, really, like a dorky little kitten. Lana's always been fond of Jen, and that hasn't changed in the years since they'd been...closer.

 

(Lana thinks of it sometimes, of when they'd been a trio and Ginny had gotten tangled up with Josh and sometimes Jen had looked at her like an  _almost_ _._ Lana thinks of it even now, even after she'd gotten tired of waiting and fallen in love with someone else. Jen...Jen is somewhere else now, left behind or far ahead of her.) _  
_

 

Things are okay.

 

* * *

 

It's weird, though, because Colin's getting a LOT of screentime, and it's beginning to feel a bit more like the Hook Show than the Swan & Queen Show. Which- well- Lana is happy for him and all, but she's very protective over her fans and she doesn't want them to feel as though they're being neglected. And she's beginning to feel the gnawing sensation that she's being edged out of her own place on the show in favor of this new narrative. 

 

She'd venture the question to Jen except that Jen has been distant lately, focused on Hook with the same intensity as the script,  and there's an air of desperation in her every move, in every time she stays late and rehearses and rehearses until it's the middle of the night and she's still grimacing at her own performance,  _not enough, not enough._ Lana recognizes it from her own early insecurities, from work ethic designed to force herself to be better and better until she's unforgettable. 

 

"You're killing it," Lana offers once. Jen stares blankly at her like she doesn't understand. "Dark Swan is a revelation.”

  

"Dark Swan is failing," Jen says, and she gets right back to rehearsing.

 

Even Colin is vaguely apologetic about Hook taking center stage, though Lana can also see how privately pleased he is- and she doesn't blame him. He's getting his chance to shine, to prove himself, and she's been there before and can appreciate the awkward position it had put her in. (Jen's team had been furious when initial tracking reports had come in. Jen's team had poured vitriol into Jen's ears and Jen had been distant for weeks, until Emma and Regina had had that fight over Graham and Jen had pushed aside her resentment to be sure that she wouldn't hurt Lana, and then they'd gone out for drinks and settled into that tense, awkward longing.)

 

And now it's Colin's turn, and everyone is figuring that out slowly but surely. Jen is the first to resign herself to it, with more enthusiasm than she'd ever resigned herself to Regina. Jen speaks even more effusively about Captain Swan. Jen is on set more hours than she ever should legally be. Jen is running on Starbucks (more than usual).

 

* * *

 

They're eight episodes into filming when Jen kisses her outside her trailer, needy and demanding and desperate.  Lana holds onto her and Jen is tugging her into the trailer and yanking at her clothes and she's kissing and gasping and a million miles away, lost in her own mind.  And it's odd, because Lana has wanted this since Jen had made a habit of strutting around the apartment, back in the day, with nearly nothing on.  Lana's been waiting five years for this moment and Jen is so removed as she goes through the motions, so far gone that she's bringing Lana to climax and riding out her own and they're collapsing on the couch and Jen still hasn't said a word.

 

Her teeth graze Lana's jaw and she finally folds, silent as she curls up into her embrace, and Lana says gently, "You're our star." Because that has to be what this is about, isn't it?

 

"I was never the star," Jen murmurs distantly. "You were the star. I was a prop." And that isn't true but Lana knows that Jen's felt this way for a while, has been angry and insecure and resentful and Lana's had no way to react but to ignore it all.  She watches goosebumps erupt along Jen's skin and tugs a blanket down from the back of the couch, shifting so they're lying comfortably and the blanket is over them.  And she tries to hold Jen but Jen's already taken charge, as she does, sliding her arms around Lana's waist and splaying a palm over her belly.

 

"My team told me that this was my last chance," Jen says dully. "That Dark Swan works or they've heard that I'm going to have a more reduced role. Syndication means they can finally write who they want at the center of things.”

 

"Dark Swan IS working," Lana murmurs. "They just won't let you take the role they're insisting will fail. Writing their own self-fulfilling prophecy and pinning it on you." She pauses, remembering those choice comments from Jen's team early on. "Also, your team is a sadsack of assholes.”

 

Jen barks out a laugh. "That's what they say about your team." She bites Lana's shoulder, playful, and that's all Lana gets from her that day.

 

* * *

 

There are more trailer rendezvous, more moments where Jen loses it and comes to Lana and Lana still can't figure out why it is that this isn't enough.  She wants Jen. She's always wanted Jen. Jen isn't happy, but she does get a little more cheerful after they've been together, playful even through her morose admissions.

 

And there are plenty of morose admissions.

 

"I 'm afraid that they'll only stay with me if I love Captain Swan as much as they do," she says one time. They're still not talking about what they're doing here,  but Jen has a purple bruise near her clavicle and Lana is very busy running her lips over it and she nearly misses the confession.

 

"I think they'd prefer the ship if it were you and him," Jen mutters, and Lana scoffs because Jen's fans _hate_ her.

 

"They must be saying I'm the reason ratings are dropping," Jen says, licking a trail down Lana's abdomen. 

 

Lana's hips lift and drop as she objects, "You don't know that.”

  

Jen says, "Does it matter? They said I couldn't handle this and I–" Her mouth is too busy to talk for a while there.

 

_Stress relief_ , Jen calls it once, and she does seem a little more grounded around Lana lately. Lana is still...dissatisfied, somehow, like something is missing.

 

Jen watches her when they're not in bed together with tired kind of need, and Lana struggles to fulfill every one.  With Jen, there are battles for dominance every time they come together. With Jen, there's no shortage of desire; and Jen is tireless sometimes, Lana out of her depth. It's exhilarating to lose control so readily. It's exhilarating to be the one to take control.

 

"I've started directing because I don't think I'm ever going to be more successful than this," Jen breathes against Lana's lips, and Lana files away her confessional and kisses her hard.

 

"I'm pretty sure I'm never going to fall in love again," Jen says glumly, two fingers twisting inside Lana, and Lana thinks _again?_  but is too distracted to demand answers.

 

Each time they're together is another whispered admission, skin on skin and lips on lips and nothing between them but the weight of Jen's thoughts.

  

* * *

  

Outside the trailer, Colin is doing yet another Hook-heavy episode, Dark Swan there only to fawn over him and Regina in the background watching.  Inside it, Jen has her face buried in Lana's breasts and Lana's hands are sliding up and down Jen's upper arms and it's safe in here, somehow, free from the doubts and fears of the outside world.

 

"I hate your husband," is Jen's confession today, no louder than an exhale. "I also want to punch Sean in the face every time he touches you."

 

"Can we not...talk about Sean...right now..." Lana groans, making a face.  They're filming the second-to-last episode of the season, due to get the finale scripts soon, and the weight of the season is even beginning to drag Lana down.

 

"Sometimes I think you're untouchable, even like this," Jen whispers, her cheek pillowed on Lana's breast. "Like you're so open to the world that no one can see the bits you keep secret." Lana slides her fingers through Jen's hair and is silent.  "Tell me something," Jen says, and it sounds like a plea. "Tell me something real.”

 

And Jen is the one who tells secrets in the trailer, not Lana. Lana doesn't get much deeper than whether or not she had a crappy day or _Does it hurt when I do this?_ when she's with Jen.

 

She clears her throat and doesn't know what she can say to Jen that won't weight her down even more. Nothing about the show. Nothing about her life, or the fact that she's feeling more and more distant from Fred lately. Nothing about her SwanQueens and how desperately they seem to want Jen to love them. "I..." She hesitates. "I think Lola's in love," she says finally.

 

Jen laughs shakily. "Really?”

 

"There's another dog at the park who she can't stay away from. She's been wearing her leash thin trying to get to him." It feels like a cop-out but Jen is laughing and she'd tell a thousand useless stories if it meant that Jen would laugh like this again.

 

_ No. No, no, no.  _

 

* * *

 

A bubble of _something_  rises in her throat, something she knows is intoxicating and dangerous and can never emerge. She tamps it down and says hastily, "We should really get going.”  She's grabbing her clothes, smoothing out her hair, her hands shaking and she doesn't know why. Something has been _transgressed_  in this room today. Something has gone very wrong. And she refuses to contemplate what. 

 

That missing piece that she's never been able to find is suddenly close enough for her to see it for the danger it is, and she breathes in rapidly and focuses on anything but Jen.

  

"Lana." Jen's voice is small, and Lana turns and stares at her. She's still on the couch, the blanket wrapped around her, and the impressive figure she'd cut before now seems suddenly different. Lana can't breathe. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry." She looks miserable and Lana's heart lurches.

 

And Lana doesn't usually run. Lana flirts and Lana sleeps with whoever she wants and Lana has never been afraid of anything other than disappointing the people she cares about. Lana shouldn't feel this terrified now, like she'd crossed a line when all she'd done was sleep with a crush.  "I have to go," she says again, and her heart breaks a little at the vulnerability on Jen's face. She stumbles forward and presses a kiss to Jen's lips, as comforting as she can manage, and tears are sliding silently down her face by the time that she pulls away.

 

Jen sits a bit more stiffly, looks a bit more lost, and she watches Lana like she knows this is the end. It _has_ to be the end.

 

She turns and opens the door to the trailer and her PA is standing a discreet distance from the entrance. Which...may be advisable, considering. She has a very good PA. "I have the next script," she says, offering it to Lana.

 

Lana takes it and thanks her PA, backing back into the trailer. "They'll be looking for you," she says mechanically, staring at the title instead of at Jen. _Swan Song_  has never seemed more apropos.

 

"Yeah," Jen says, but she doesn't move. Lana stares at her and back at the script, and she sits down on the couch across from Jen to read it.

 

Jen is staring at it like she wants to make out the words but doesn't dare come closer, and Lana can't handle a Jen who's afraid of her. (They're something other than friends. They're friends who aren't quite friends, friends who protect each other and look after each other and sometimes care a little too much for it to be friendly. They're aren't afraid of each other, not like that.) She slides over silently until she has her head on Jen's shoulder and they can read through it together.

 

To no one's surprise, it's a Hook piece.  It's about his childhood and about an adventure he's on with Regina and Lana can still feel Jen shivering beside her, whether from the cold or her fears of moving from lead to love interest being realized, Lana doesn't know.

 

"Here you are," Lana says, turning a page and seeing Emma's name at last.

 

"Here I am," Jen murmurs, and Lana bites her lip and says, "You wanted me to tell you something real.”

 

"You don't have to–“

 

"I'm just as terrified as you are," Lana admits. "I'm worried that I...I threw caution to the wind and went all-out Swan Queen this summer and I think I'm being punished for it. I think they've decided to make this Colin's show and we're just here so they can call it feminism.”

 

Jen doesn't do her people-pleasing _feminism is about men too!!_ deal that she tends to when she's petrified of being disliked, thankfully. She just watches Lana and ventures, "You're a fan favorite.”

 

"Not if they sideline me until no one remembers I exist," Lana says grimly. "But I'd–" She shivers at the realization, at the admission she's about to let free into the world, that she can never take back again. "I'd do it anyway if it meant that you'd finally believe that you're loved as much as you are.”

 

She's saying too much. She's gone too far. Jen is gaping at her, insecurities warring with awe, and she's always been attracted to Jen but Jen has never inhabited her whole world like this before, like nothing matters but her.  "Let's...let's read on, okay?" Lana says shakily, and Jen wraps a strong arm around her waist and turns the page.

 

And it really is all about Hook. He's taking this role as a male lead, fighting with Dark Swan and swearing to defeat her, and now he has the sword to do it. He gives some pseudo-noble speech about having to strike her down for her own good. _“It’s what Emma would want,” he says. “I **am** Emma,” Dark Swan snarls._

 

"Ass," Jen mutters. She looks up in sudden consternation. "Don't you dare tell anyone that I called him an ass. They’ll never forgive me.”

 

"They'd love it," Lana says, but she doesn't fight Jen on this one. Unconditional support, that's all Emma and Jen can manage when it comes to Colin’s fans without infuriating them. They're fickle and young, easily pleased when the whole world is theirs, and it's Jen's job– as far as Jen is concerned, anyway– to be sure that they know it.

 

Dark Swan is spewing out threats and grand declarations for the end of the world and Regina is just standing at the corner of the scene, watching in horror. Lana's kind of disappointed that she won't even get to be a part of this final battle. She'd been looking forward to fighting with Jen onscreen again. (Jen's hands soft on her neck, her face worried.  _If you feel uncomfortable for even a second, tell me. We need a safe word,_ she'd said, and laughed in that way that had left Lana bewildered and a little infatuated.) _  
_

 

Finally, Hook swings the sword and Dark Swan is written to– _gasp, stunned and horrified_. Jen turns the page, brow furrowed so adorably that Lana wants to kiss it.

 

Maybe now isn't the time.

 

And oh- there's her name.

 

* * *

 

The sword has missed its target.  Or rather, it's found another.

 

Regina stands between Dark Swan and Hook, impaled on the sword that can snuff out anyone's soul, her eyes fixed on Dark Swan.  And Dark Swan is written to stare at her in shock, in despair, bits of Emma finally shining through the mask. _"_ _Why?" Emma demands, tears in her eyes._

 

"Why?" Lana echoes wonderingly.

 

And there it is, right at the center of the page, so clear that Lana checks it twice and she isn't seeing things in the carefully blocked out script. She reads it again and again until all she can imagine is Regina on the ground, whispering,  _"_ _ People always do crazy things…when they’re in love."  _

 

Jen slides to the floor silently, the script falling from her hands.

 

Lana can't breathe. Lana can't– "It can't be real," she says disbelievingly.

 

But it all makes sense now. Colin is getting more time to reel in his fans even after the end of the fan favorite relationship. Lana and Jen both have been sidelined to build this new story, this story the rest of the audience will be aching for by the end. They've been benched so they'd be in prime position for the big game, not to be kicked off the team.

 

Regina is making the ultimate sacrifice for Emma. Regina is _in love_ with Emma, and Lana is in love with Jen; and fuck, this is too much for this awful, awful day.

 

She drops to the floor beside Jen, cradles Jen's face in her hands, and kisses her. And Jen is crying, heaving sobs like she never has in front of Lana before. "Shh," Lana murmurs. "Come here." Jen cries harder. 

 

"I never thought it would be real," she chokes out. "I never wanted them to keep hoping– they kept hoping and I thought it was a waste of time to believe in any of it. To have that kind of faith in..." She curls into Lana's arms, and dammit, Lana's crying now, too. "I've wasted so much time," Jen gasps out, and now her eyes are fixed on Lana's. "I've wasted..." She breathes in, and Lana is spellbound at what might come next. "I wanted us four years ago,” Jen whispers, and tears slip down to land on her lips.

 

Lana remembers Jen in their first season together, eyes sparkling with promise and kissable lips and all tease. Lana had waited for Jen for so long that she'd never thought they'd ever…

 

But here they are and Regina is in love with Emma and it feels like anything is possible.  It feels like they can be back at the start together and oh-so-domestic, looking after each other and loving each other and waiting for the moment that they’d become something more. That they've been in love forever and there's nothing in their way anymore.

 

"I love you," Jen whispers. "I've been in love with you for so long and I don’t know how i didn’t..." She shivers in Lana's embrace and Lana kisses her forehead, soft and without pressing for anything more.

 

She can't say what she wants to, not yet. She's _married_ , for fucks' sake. This revelation for her is so new and precious that she's terrified of giving it away before it can matter most.  But she kisses Jen's wet eyelids, one and then the other, and loves her with all her heart and begins to think of what might be next, outside this trailer and in the world where Regina loves Emma and Lana loves Jen.

 

Tomorrow is a new day.

 


End file.
